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Shouldn’t I be better at grief by now?
Musings from a twenty-something before and after her mother's death
My mom has been dead for nine months. I still feel like I’m staring in some stupid Lifetime movie that has really awful acting. The preview would be in that cheesy deep announcer voice…
She runs around the city distracting herself with dating apps and work deadlines. Her mom died and she’s totally lost… Cue montage of sad twenty-something women ugly crying in her car on the way to work…
In a sad game of Charades, I would act out grief by power walking in circles smiling extra big. This is partly because I fear I will drown in sadness if I don’t stay in motion. Partially, because I feel an urgency to live well, to honor her life by living mine fully. I wonder when her death will feel totally real. When I will fully accept that I am never going to wake up from this stupid Lifetime movie? When will I accept she is dead?
I found the following journal entry today. I wrote it almost exactly 24 hours before I called the ambulance. She would die 4 days later.
Journal entry: 11/25/2017 3:00 AM
The grayness of the small lonely space made my…
