The Global Grief Pandemic
The world is experiencing complicated grief
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When my mother died people would say, “I can’t imagine.” The truth is that we don’t want to imagine. It is unfortunate we do this.
There is no up without down. No life without death.
Ignoring this fundamental duality does not allow us to be fully vulnerable.
Currently, all humans face a global pandemic. An invisible and nefarious virus threatens to overwhelm health care systems, kill people, and destroy our economy. We are vulnerable. This reminds me of grief. Specifically, anticipatory grief.
We anticipate change, pain, and death. The path forward is not clear.
Death is final. Pandora’s box is completely empty. Hope is gone. The unthinkable happened.
Waiting for someone to die. Waiting for pain, change, and loss. This is anticipatory grief. It holds you at a cruel angle because you are playing the what-if maybe game.
When my mother was very ill and had to get a biopsy of her lung I agonized for a week that it was cancer. I did not say this to anyone. When we found out it was not cancer I was speaking to various relatives:
“We all thought her cancer was back, thank god.”
I remember feeling like someone had poured a cool bucket of relief over my head.
“I wasn’t being overdramatic! This is scary. No one talks about this. I wish we did. I would feel less alone. Less anxious and afraid. More validated. It’s like we don’t talk about that she is dying in order to not jinx it.
When I was four years old my mother was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. I remember arguing with myself in the kindergarten bathroom. I felt like a character in a TV show. That I was being overdramatic and stop crying. I should not be afraid or sad. My mom wasn’t really going to die.
She was better by the time I was 8 years old. But in the back of your mind is fear. Will cancer come back? 10 years went by and I was finally getting more confident. Cancer should statistically not come back. Enter pulmonary fibrosis. An illness she downplayed. She had it for years before I learned it was terminal unless she had a lung transplant. We spent Thanksgiving to Christmas in a hospital. She got better. The pattern went on for a long time. She would get very sick and then get better. Each time you prepare for the worst. Just like when I was five I would tell myself, don’t jinx it. Be brave.
On 11/29/2017 my mother died at 56. I was 25. This is when my formal education on how to deal with grief began. In coping with loss, I learned that I had been experiencing anticipatory grief my whole life. I tried to cope with various distractions and pretend like it was not real. I told myself I was being overdramatic. I numbed with food, drugs, boys, work, and sleep. I had no tools for navigating anticipatory grief. Which really means I had no tools to navigate life.
As the pandemic grew, I realized the familiar storm of grief started to impact me. Many different emotions around this global crisis caused me to feel out of control. Emotions were more difficult to regulate. Then it dawned on me. This is a new storm of grief. Awareness that I was experiencing the many emotions associated with grief allowed me to deal with my emotions better. Making space for this grief allows me to stay present. To embrace the paradoxical nature of life with more grace.
I am writing this because I realized that if I had not danced with grief for so long I would not understand that the world is grieving. Nothing is certain. The only thing that is certain is change. Changes that cause pain and death. The world will not be the same when this has ended.
When someone close to you dies, you do not get to go back to your old self when they were in the world. Grief is chronic. Time goes by and the pain becomes less acute. Humans are resilient and creative. We adapt and learn to live when circumstances change. No one knows what the world will be like when the pandemic ends. No one knows when we will be able to leave our homes. To go to concerts. To give hugs. To move through the world without fear of spreading illness and death. This pandemic forces us to reconcile with the paradoxical nature of life. It highlights the limits of our control. It reminds us that we are all vulnerable. Something that many people distract themselves from every day. Accepting the vulnerability of the human condition gives us the ability to feel connected. If we numb the negative emotions then we numb all the joyful emotions. Grief has taught me to not half-ass my emotions. I no longer drink a few beers and ignore them when I’m feeling down. I make space for the sadness. I validate my experience. I then can move forward more gracefully and peacefully.
My Grief Storm due to the Pandemic
Tears dripped down my face as I listen to a Doctor describe how the hospital is like a war zone. How do you choose who gets a ventilator? How do you keep going as you watch your colleges fight for their lives?
I felt angry when our President said: “the cure is worse than the disease”.
I obsess over sanitizing everything I touch.
I laugh at memes. I am in awe of human kindness.
I am inspired by human creativity.
I worry my Dad and Grandparents will get sick and die. I imagine what that loss would be like. I think that won’t happen. “You’re being overdramatic. I don’t dare google: Have entire families died of coronavirus.”
In a single day, I can experience the full spectrum of human emotions about the pandemic. This is exhausting.
If I was new to grief, I would distract myself. I would spend much of my time dreaming of the past and worrying about the future. These things are natural. Human.
But also exhausting.
How to weather grief more peacefully
Cultivating peace and equanimity in the midst of chaos and uncertainty takes practice. It may require a shift in mindset on control and vulnerability. Certain habits like meditating make this mindset easier. The goal is to stay mindful of the present. Make space for fear and uncertainty.
- Radical acceptance of this: “All humans are worthy of love and belonging. Including myself.”
- Be gentle with yourself. Accept that you cannot control your emotions or your thoughts. You control your actions. Your body is being put into overdrive due to perceived threats but we have no place to put this energy.
- Don’t feel ashamed that you are emotional. Don’t let fear make you feel ashamed. Combat shame. Secrecy, silence, judgment male shame grow. Empathy is the antidote.
- The is no hierarchy of pain. Stop ranking suffering. Have compassion for yourself. Have compassion for others. Attend to your own feelings. It doesn’t help the doctors or frontline workers to minimalize your own experience
